Distance On Special Days

I cry when I hear daddy songs,
Because we had it!
It was so good, I absolutely adored you.
Now looking back; I am so sad.

Would you take it back?
That night when my world fell apart?
You lay on the floor and I woke with a confused smile…
No longer daddy’s little girl.

I’m a mother now,
Two beautiful little girls.
We no longer talk.
You’ve become a stranger I once adored.

Years of therapy,
I try to rationalize…
How could you do that to me?
I have peace sometimes and most of all,
Distance on my side.

I hope you know;
I wish you well.
No ill will.
Not much to say,
Hearts are broken everyday.

Occasionally, I wonder…
What would it have been like,
Without that night.
So many parenting questions… What was I like growing up?

You always said I was incredible,
I want you to know that I embody that!
I’ve stumbled and I’ve collected many bruises,
But I’m not knocked down long… Remember that song?

Dad, I wish I could say I love you,
Without feeling shame and conflict.
Yes, the years have brought respite.

I hope your life is happy,
I want you to know that today, on your special day,
You’re thought of in a good light.

I will watch a candle burn,
And say a prayer for you.
Kneeling I’ll reflect on the dad you tried to be;
Helping to put the fake tattoo on my hand,
Singing silly songs to make me laugh,
Wanting to know if I was ‘happy’ all the time.

I hope you have a Happy Birthday,
E xo

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