I wasn’t ready…

They say time heals all.
Who are ‘They”?
and how do “They” know?
The beautiful walls of paradise are cracking
The voices, carried by the wind, get closer.

What have you done?
What will you do?
Handfulls of hair fall
The tears won’t stop!

I did this!!
It was actually YOU!

I loved you
More than anything I could ever imagine!
Sometimes it is the people no-one imagines anything of
Who do the things that no-one can imagine.
I wasn’t ready.

How does one prepare?
The warm blood oozing over the glistening blade,
You buried your head in the sand.
No-one knew!

The tears again drench the page,
The weakness flows away in streams
as my strength rises with burning flames!
Time has not forgotten me
Charged with healing energy
I will pave the memories.

Hollow Pain

Dutiful responsibilities squared away.
Searching but not looking,
Slow death please go away!

Pushing to punch,
Looking to improve,
But the hollowness lingers.

Everything is so great!
Yet in the darkness,
Hollowness creeps and takes hold.

Smile turned on,
So hard to strive.
Can’t cry,
Is it not strength?
Hollowness you won’t win!

Thank You For Being Mine

This huge mysterious world has me mesmerized.
My baby now my size!
Stealing and ripping my clothes,
Running with my heart on her sleeve.

A distant unexpected friendship renewed,
Suddenly empowered through a screen of words.
The world spins,
I’m standing alone but not lonely,
Content and managing.

They have good souls,
Through struggles I provided a good life.
She is slipping through my fingers,
But letting her go is an unexpected joy.

She’s looking back,
Her wings unsteady and smile nervous.
I stand and watch with pride
Because I’ve done alright!

Mysterious because I couldn’t foretell,
So many plans awry,
Unanswered prayers truly can be blessings!
Thank you for being mine!

Stupid Feelings!

This stupid feeling!
Why won’t it just leave me alone?!
The ball in my throat beckons a cry,
But for what?

There’s nothing to say,
Hanging on words and waiting,
Is just not my way.

It was great!
A dream worth waiting for,
But it’s creeping away.
Helplessly I just sit and wait.

Emotional Intelligence, the professor said;
Must be recognized to control.
But I don’t want the reigns.

I don’t know what I want…
But this feeling is definitely not it!
Sulking into a stupor
Is just not my way!

When the time is right;
I’ll break and the tears will uncontrollably fall.
I’ll let them wash over me as I cross the threshold,
Because starting new chapters is something I’m used to.

To Her You’re Wonder Woman

Sometimes the world is cruel,
You struggle and bleed to breathe.
On Your knees;
Pleading with your legs to stand.

Then an angel forms within you,
Her birth changes your life.
She cries when you’re far,
And fills every crevice with love.

Her words bring the joyful tears
You never thought you had.
Her little hand in yours,
You can conquer anything!

You’re her world.
And you know it.

You can stand taller than ever before
Because her joyful smile is light.
She writes the sweetest love letters,
And sleeps in your fuzzy pink robe.

Struggles exist but not like before,
No obstacle will ever be big enough
Because to her you’re Wonder Woman!

Distance On Special Days

I cry when I hear daddy songs,
Because we had it!
It was so good, I absolutely adored you.
Now looking back; I am so sad.

Would you take it back?
That night when my world fell apart?
You lay on the floor and I woke with a confused smile…
No longer daddy’s little girl.

I’m a mother now,
Two beautiful little girls.
We no longer talk.
You’ve become a stranger I once adored.

Years of therapy,
I try to rationalize…
How could you do that to me?
I have peace sometimes and most of all,
Distance on my side.

I hope you know;
I wish you well.
No ill will.
Not much to say,
Hearts are broken everyday.

Occasionally, I wonder…
What would it have been like,
Without that night.
So many parenting questions… What was I like growing up?

You always said I was incredible,
I want you to know that I embody that!
I’ve stumbled and I’ve collected many bruises,
But I’m not knocked down long… Remember that song?

Dad, I wish I could say I love you,
Without feeling shame and conflict.
Yes, the years have brought respite.

I hope your life is happy,
I want you to know that today, on your special day,
You’re thought of in a good light.

I will watch a candle burn,
And say a prayer for you.
Kneeling I’ll reflect on the dad you tried to be;
Helping to put the fake tattoo on my hand,
Singing silly songs to make me laugh,
Wanting to know if I was ‘happy’ all the time.

I hope you have a Happy Birthday,
E xo

Just For Today

The pride in my chest about to burst,
As fluorescent pink and neon green,
Dance in front of me.
Center stage with the lights glaring,
I have given them what I always wanted.

Red lipstick and makeup,
Mixed with perspiration.
Big hugs as my proud tears fall.
So beautiful and so big,
I created this!

Sometimes a pushy mother,
An over involved mom,
Am I too much?
Are my standards too high?
Do I push too hard?
I always wonder about my faults.

Makeup is off.
We read a story before sleep.
“Thank you mommy,”
The almost teenager leans over and hugs me.
“I love you mama,”
The little one reaches up and kisses me.
“We don’t say it enough…”
“We live a wonderful life!”

Ohh, the proud tears roll again,
and I’m overwhelmed.
At least today I know,
I have done my best!