Please, Just One More Day

Loving you was all consuming,
Feeling like I couldn’t breathe;

I forged forward,
Despite your nonchalant care!

Until I just couldn’t…

The image of you sneaking in at night,
Waking from deep sleep to wrap my arms around you,

Breathing you in!
Our fingers interlaced under my pillow,
your warm body molding around mine.

I miss you so much!

The tears hit the page as I write,
telling myself that this is now my path!

Your words like daggers,
left scars on my heart.

I’ve tried to move on…

But I’m fighting to heal.
How do I forget?
How do I tell my heart to cut the signal?

I feel you pull me, our connection is so raw!

You have reconnected my faith,
Your ultimate conviction to him pulled me in,

As our passion grew, I gave in
Allowed myself to fall

But to no avail…

Did I ask too much?
Did I want or somehow need something you couldn’t give?

Cognitively trying to stop my heart
Remember our sin?

I pray…

How do I heal?
I thought I gave my all,

Then I became the evil
The person who drove and broke you.

All I wanted was to love you!

Under the blanket of darkness
our lips touch and we are still in love.

The nights are the hardest,
fighting the intermix of desire and pain.

I’m sorry I somehow missed the target,

I love you,
I don’t know how to live without you!

I am angry with you
and I want to thank you,

You brought faith back into my life,

stronger and more authentically than ever before.
K-Love makes me cry because I want to share so much,

I carry our sin in my heart and light candles
begging for forgiveness when I can’t forgive myself.

He says he loves me,

in his own way I guess he does.
He is not you!

No-one will ever be you…

Perhaps one day our fingers will once again intertwine
as your lips rest on mine
and we give thanks and pray
for another day!

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I wasn’t ready…

They say time heals all.
Who are ‘They”?
and how do “They” know?
The beautiful walls of paradise are cracking
The voices, carried by the wind, get closer.

What have you done?
What will you do?
Handfulls of hair fall
The tears won’t stop!

I did this!!
NO!!!
It was actually YOU!

I loved you
More than anything I could ever imagine!
Sometimes it is the people no-one imagines anything of
Who do the things that no-one can imagine.
I wasn’t ready.

How does one prepare?
The warm blood oozing over the glistening blade,
You buried your head in the sand.
No-one knew!

The tears again drench the page,
The weakness flows away in streams
as my strength rises with burning flames!
Time has not forgotten me
Charged with healing energy
I will pave the memories.

Hollow Pain

Dutiful responsibilities squared away.
Searching but not looking,
Slow death please go away!

Pushing to punch,
Looking to improve,
But the hollowness lingers.

Everything is so great!
Yet in the darkness,
Hollowness creeps and takes hold.

Smile turned on,
So hard to strive.
Can’t cry,
Is it not strength?
Hollowness you won’t win!

Thank You For Being Mine

This huge mysterious world has me mesmerized.
My baby now my size!
Stealing and ripping my clothes,
Running with my heart on her sleeve.

A distant unexpected friendship renewed,
Suddenly empowered through a screen of words.
The world spins,
I’m standing alone but not lonely,
Content and managing.

They have good souls,
Through struggles I provided a good life.
She is slipping through my fingers,
But letting her go is an unexpected joy.

She’s looking back,
Her wings unsteady and smile nervous.
I stand and watch with pride
Because I’ve done alright!

Mysterious because I couldn’t foretell,
So many plans awry,
Unanswered prayers truly can be blessings!
Thank you for being mine!

Stupid Feelings!

This stupid feeling!
Why won’t it just leave me alone?!
The ball in my throat beckons a cry,
But for what?

There’s nothing to say,
Hanging on words and waiting,
Is just not my way.

It was great!
A dream worth waiting for,
But it’s creeping away.
Helplessly I just sit and wait.

Emotional Intelligence, the professor said;
Must be recognized to control.
But I don’t want the reigns.

I don’t know what I want…
But this feeling is definitely not it!
Sulking into a stupor
Is just not my way!

When the time is right;
I’ll break and the tears will uncontrollably fall.
I’ll let them wash over me as I cross the threshold,
Because starting new chapters is something I’m used to.

To Her You’re Wonder Woman

Sometimes the world is cruel,
You struggle and bleed to breathe.
On Your knees;
Pleading with your legs to stand.

Then an angel forms within you,
Her birth changes your life.
She cries when you’re far,
And fills every crevice with love.

Her words bring the joyful tears
You never thought you had.
Her little hand in yours,
You can conquer anything!

You’re her world.
And you know it.
Unconditionally!

You can stand taller than ever before
Because her joyful smile is light.
She writes the sweetest love letters,
And sleeps in your fuzzy pink robe.

Struggles exist but not like before,
No obstacle will ever be big enough
Because to her you’re Wonder Woman!

Distance On Special Days

I cry when I hear daddy songs,
Because we had it!
It was so good, I absolutely adored you.
Now looking back; I am so sad.

Would you take it back?
That night when my world fell apart?
You lay on the floor and I woke with a confused smile…
No longer daddy’s little girl.

I’m a mother now,
Two beautiful little girls.
We no longer talk.
You’ve become a stranger I once adored.

Years of therapy,
I try to rationalize…
How could you do that to me?
I have peace sometimes and most of all,
Distance on my side.

I hope you know;
I wish you well.
No ill will.
Not much to say,
Hearts are broken everyday.

Occasionally, I wonder…
What would it have been like,
Without that night.
So many parenting questions… What was I like growing up?

You always said I was incredible,
I want you to know that I embody that!
I’ve stumbled and I’ve collected many bruises,
But I’m not knocked down long… Remember that song?

Dad, I wish I could say I love you,
Without feeling shame and conflict.
Yes, the years have brought respite.

I hope your life is happy,
I want you to know that today, on your special day,
You’re thought of in a good light.

I will watch a candle burn,
And say a prayer for you.
Kneeling I’ll reflect on the dad you tried to be;
Helping to put the fake tattoo on my hand,
Singing silly songs to make me laugh,
Wanting to know if I was ‘happy’ all the time.

I hope you have a Happy Birthday,
E xo